Am back now...and needing my blog

I haven't been around for awhile as things are really difficult for me at the minute. Mark and I have pretty much hit rock bottom and I have needed to take myself away from the environment. I have been on a long weekend in London staying with Bianca. She has given me a good grilling as well as being my friend. I never got much sleep while there and to top it all, the trains were totally fucked up. So what should have taken 1 hr 50 mins took well over 4 hrs to get home, leaving me late for work and well out of pocket. And I am so tired!

All through the day at work I was thinking that I didn't want to go home. I was dreading it, really dreading it. I didn't know how I was going to react to Mark or what I wanted to say....it made me very uneasy. Once I came home it seemed he was pleased to see me. But i guess he could tell by my face that it wasn't the same for me. He asked if I wanted to be here and I honestly replied 'No'. We talked some, but there isn't much to say now. I don't know where we go from here, but I do know that I need space. We have agreed to sleep in seperate rooms. Later, I bought some wine and we ended up drinking it and talking more...can't even think about what. But we both cried, intensely. Ulri phoned and literally none of us could speak for crying. This still hurts thinking about it. What I am doing to Mark is awful. I don't want to be hurting him and I really wish my feelings were different. But I cannot control how I feel. None of us know what we are going to do.

Johnny phoned me last night...this was really sweet of him. The poor man doesn't know what to say, but he did say the right things as far as I was concerned. Ulri phoned after. She is an incredible friend. She is good at seeing the bigger picture. I am so in a confined bubble I don't know what to think but she makes things clearer. What has been made obvious is that I need to be away from Mark as much as possible. I will not truely understand how I feel about him until we have had time apart.

My dad is coming round tonight as usual. What he doesn't know yet is that Mark will be staying at Johnny's and i will be taking him out for dinner to break it to him about Mark and I. I know that Mark is more worried how my parents are going to react than his. He and my father get on great. In fact, i believe they are more like a father and son than Mark's own dad. I don't know how my father is going to react, but I know he loves me and will be there for both of us. My ma is on holiday which is why I am telling my dad now. She would have told the whole bloody clan by now if she knew, and that is too much for anyone.

Tomorrow, Friday, is my day off and I will go and spend the day and night at my sister's. Mark and I are trying to figure out how we can avoid being in the house at the same time. Saturday is still to be decided, but atleast i am working during the day.

In the last week I have been offered so much advise from so many people, quite frankly it is doing my head in. But as Ulri says, listen to your head, use the advice you see fit and discard the rest. It is interesting how friends are offering their opinions on my relationship with Mark. They all thought we had a perfect relationship and on the outside we did. But what people have got to understand is that no one, no one, knows what goes on behind closed doors and it isn't fair to judge an entire relationship by a perception from the outside. Having said that I would like to thank the support of all my friends through this, particularly Ulrika for being so wise, Dom for just making me laugh and making me forget about my troubles for awhile - yet still being there for me in a serious way, Bianca for the weekend of intense questioning of myself and helping me see what decisions I have to make, Jude because she has been through what I have and we have cried together, Amy, cause she is just the best friend, Rose for her intensity and good drinking partner and finally my newest counsellor, Charlie Barker, a wise old man who will be my weekly date when he takes me out for a slap up meal to listen to me ramble on. THANK YOU.

Well take care ya'll. Sorry it's so depressing!