Time apart

Since coming back from London things have really changed for me. I took my dad out to a pub on Thursday to tell him about me and Mark. We actually had a great evening. He talked just as much as I did about his relationship with my mum. What he did say is that he cannot leave my mum because she would die without him, and for reasons I cannot say, he is right. But for me, I am young enough to know what I want and don't want and I should be happy and do whatever it takes to enjoy my life, and if that means not being with Mark then so be it. He likes Mark alot but he can also see how different we are and how I have grown stronger and further away from him. In 12 years, people change, and either you change and accept the other person or you go the other way and resent that person for not letting you grow. I fear that is what is happening with me. It's just taken this length of time to see it. However, 12 years is a long time and I need to know for absolute sure that I am clear in my own head of what I need to do. It would not be fair or right for either of us if I just said it was over. For all I know, this might be a phase I am going through, just to prove myself and my independence.

Friday was my day off and I was going over to spend the day and night at my sisters, babysitting for her little one first thing while she went to the hairdressers. I managed to get on the earlier ferry and arrived at her house while she was taking Emily to school. So I managed to wake Steve and we had coffee together and a really good chat. I am learning more and more about the perception of me and Mark and also the feelings of those that have felt hurt by his negative attitude. This is becoming more and more apparent and making me see that I have just accepted that Mark is miserable and have tolerated it for a long time. The fact that I have to say to him 'please make an effort and smile and chat' when we go out sometimes with other people, doesn't say alot really. This isn't the type of person that I want to be with in my life right now. I need positivity and confidence to help me move forward and develop.

I did the family thing all day, and saw my nan in the afternoon. Spending half an hour with her makes me feel like I should leave because her whole being is negative and right now I don't need that shit. In the evening we watched the great film dirty dancing and all the girls were singing a long. Helen and I drank some wine and it ended a good day with the family. Luckily Saturday I was working and Sunday too.

After work on Saturday myself and Dale met Rose at Gunwharf. We shared a nice bottle of wine outside on the waterfront. Estelle and Sev joined us and we went to see Mr and Mrs Smith. It was a really good film, funny action packed and slightly piss-taking! Afterwards Rose and I got a cab back to North End and were dropped off at a curry house to get a take-away. We walked back to hers and then I went and stayed at my dad's flat round the corner. It was wierd staying back where I grew up....and I don't want to go backwards either. But just for one night it was ok.

Tonight, Sunday, I am finally going home as Mark wants to talk to me. I'm not sure what I will say but I know that I will need a couple of glasses of wine, and I'm sure he will too. Just have to wait and see.