The german jitter bug man, who swept Ulri and me off our feet, quite literally!! Good fun dancing!

Having spent a wonderful evening with Leon, Sally, Julian, Jonquil, Jude, Mark and Ulrika eating the most fantastic food -esp. white anchovies from waitrose - they are amazing! - Duck, a zillion profiteroles with strawberries, raspberries and cream, I decided I was up for a boogie and luckily Ulri and Mark agreed!

We went to Tiger, Tiger and the music turned out to be really good. We met a group of guys who were down from London and who also worked part time in Portsmouth, and who were celebrating Jason's birthday by dressing up in Admirals and Officers outfits. Ulri and I ended up doing the jitterbug with one of the guys who was from North Germany, called Ulrich! I really enjoyed dancing like that. He took control and was very commanding...we like that!

We also met a couple, Debbie and Mark who kindly shared their bottle of wine with us. I have taken down her mobile number and have already contacted her to organise meeting up in a couple of weeks time.

So we danced and we danced and eventually got kicked out and got a taxi home. Ulri is now living with us until she leaves on Wednesday. When we went to bed, I wasn't prepared for the long discussion with Mark. Earlier that evening he had been to his first counselling meeting which he felt went very well and got on with the guy well. Mark seemed to cover alot of ground in one hour! And proceeded to tell me until 4.30am when apparently I fell asleep! I told Mark some things about how I was feeling too, which needed to be said. We agreed it wasn't wise to tell any of our parents yet. I also told him that I felt on edge around him this evening, and felt that he really only came to the night club because he felt obliged to, when if I am honest, I just wanted it to be Ulri and me. I am also letting him know that right now, I see him/love him as a brother. Him raising all his issues quite suddenly, has made me start analysing our whole relationship. This is a good thing. I actually have a vivid memory of the day when he proposed to me. I was seriously ill with an underactive thyroid which had made me seriously over-weight, messed up and quite frankly totally unattractive. So when someone proposes to you despite that, you are not overly excited if you are truely honest, you say 'yes'. And naturally, it is the next stage after being with someone for 5 years. Now, I wonder if I just said 'yes' because I didn't want to be left on the shelf. This is a horrible thing to say and maybe just a memory because of the way I am feeling now. If I was in a better state of mind I am sure I could think of hundreds of good times as to why I married Mark. But this is how I feel right now. This may change in time. But I question, have the last 12 years been a steady journey of just 'being' rather than truely enjoying? I will finish this in the morn. It is 2am and I have just got in from Jongluers after a great boogie with the girl I am going to miss so much. What will i do? Who will I dance with. There is no one like her and I am going to miss her so much.

It is the next day now, and I have just read what a pissed Terri wrote last night. I do sound very harsh but I am also trying to be as honest as I can be. Already, I read through my archives and thank god I wrote down stuff as it is easy to forget down the line. I need to record these feelings and emotions so that in time I can look back at them for what ever reason. For me this blog is a life line now.