A new day and a weight has been lifted

Last night Mark and I went to the gym. I needed to release some energy and a good row and a good run is always the best way for me. When we got back, I started preparing dinner and he asked if I wanted to know what Headman (therapist) said. Of course I did and he began talking.

The whole hour had been about us as you have to deal with what is effecting you most at that point in time. The guy did say that emotions cannot be rationalised. What I am feeling is a problem but he believes we need couple counselling to sort it out. But this is where it got upsetting. I don't want that. I am beginning to realise that the only time I get upset about this whole thing is when I say that I have given 12 years of my life to looking after Mark, my dad, my mum, my nan and all I want right now is to be selfish and look after me...to learn about me, see if I can stand on my own two feet. So I told Mark that what I would really like is a six month trial seperation just so I am clear in my head 100% of how I feel. Who knows, I may realise that he is the one and we can live forever together and atleast giving me this break means it's not causing too much upheaval. But it could also go the other way. I am looking now into renting a flat with Dale, a colleague student of mine. He loves to cook, he is clean, he doesn't watch t.v. We both could live on curry...so i think we would get on well. I am actually very excited about living independantly. Not having any one to worry about except myself will be cool. Who knows, I may even hate this in the end!

Mark isn't coming to Sweden now either. It would be too wierd. So this leaves me with another new challenge to face. Flying alone. I know this won't be difficult in the end, but for me it's the initial fear I have that is hard to over come. But the more I do things like this the more confident I will become and hopefully that will rub off in other areas.

I am going to have a blood test today. I still keep getting enormous bruises for no reason and so am glad that I am being checked out. After that I am going to spend some time with my very old bestest friend Jane who I have known since the age of 5. I haven't seen her in a couple of years and she is really only round the corner! But we know we can talk any time and it won't be wierd. After that i am going to spend the rest of the day with my dad sorting stuff out. We will go out for dinner and i will stay over.

tomorrow my dad is going out for drinks with Mark and he will stay over and go to work from there. I plan to go to London on Friday night and go to Heathrow from there in the morning. This means there are only a few days Mark and I have to be in the same house. He is finding it incredibly hard to know how to be with me. Even awkward.

I'd better go. Will put pics up of my bestest oldest friend Jane tomorrow. She is half phillipine and is absolutely drop dead gorgeous.

Take care...see ya'll