Where do I begin?

I guess I could say there is no point continuing this blog now as the whole point was to follow the development of my pregnancy. But Friday I found out the baby was dead and I am now going through a delayed miscarriage.
Looking back from the start, literally from conception, I guess it was inevitable really. I was just too arrogant to think that I could lose a baby. I had kept records of things and have realised that from the day of conception, I started getting the most horrendous headaches. This went on for two weeks. Then my hair was getting greasy far more quickly than usual. I put this as a sign of all the hormones changing, potentially because I might be pregnant. People were telling me I looked pale and tired. Looking back I think my body was fighting and losing a battle to keep the baby. My breasts did become tender but thinking about it, that stopped a few weeks ago. Dom had bought me the most beautiful set of underwear for Valentine's day but because it was underwired I told him to take it back. I wrote letters to Meg's school and swimming instructor making demands due to another baby on the way. How bloody arrogant was that!?
But the wake up call happened on Wednesday 4th when I noticed brown spotting. Looking on the internet I wasn't too worried as this can happen and besides, it's old blood. It's when it's new blood you should be nervous. Well this carried on through to Thursday eve until it turned to red. Just a little, but enough for me to feel nervous. Dom could tell something was wrong. I couldn't keep it from him. I said I would see how I go through the night and see if it happened again. It happened again in the morning. I told Dom, but said it's not enough to start worrying and for him to go to work. I knew he had a big meeting to go to. I knew too, that once I had dropped Meg off at nursery my friend would take me to the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit down at the hospital. I was still so bloody arrogant about it all. I thought, as long as I get to hear a heartbeat it would all be okay. I never even contemplated that this wouldn't happen.
I waited three hours, drinking and peeing regularly. You are meant to have a full bladder to do the scan. My good friend Claire had taken control of looking after Meg so I didn't have to worry about rushing back to get her. I went in to a room to have some paper work done. I told the midwife how great I felt and how well I was eating. She said I would be called again in a while to have a scan done. Around 1pm I was called. A quick scan was done but my uterus wasn't at the right angle so the doc said she needed to do an interal scan, which meant emptying my bladder. After all that! She made a remark about being able to see the feotus but it only looked around 5 weeks to her. I didn't register what she meant. Had I got my dates wrong? It wasn't until she had done the internal scan that she showed me the sac and the foetus inside. She said she was so sorry but she couldn't detect a heartbeat and it looked like the baby had died at 5 weeks.... a few days after I had found out I was pregnant. I burst into tears. She said she'd arrange for the midwife to come and talk with me and go through the next stages. The bleeding was probably the start of a delayed miscarriage.
The midwife came and got me and took me back to the same room as before. I got details about what will happend next and whether I wanted an op or a natural loss. I wanted to lose this baby the most natural way I could. She said to expect a lot of bleeding and clotting in the next 48 hours together with mini labour pains. Well she wasn't wrong! She also said to expect depression and sadness not necessarily at the beginning. It may hit me later. Each woman is different. I think it has hit me immediately and hard. I cannot speak to anyone. It's just too emotional. I am writing this because I feel it may help me to get it out of my system.
Dom has been telling family and dealing with it the only way he knows how, logically and pragmatically. I got so angry with him. I was crying and saying it's all very well telling people we will get through it and it wasn't meant to be but that's not telling me if he is hurting or not. Show me you feel the pain too!!! With that we both broke down in each other's arms. This has made us stronger if anything and certainly made me appreciate Meg, our perfect little angel, more. The ironic thing about it all is in the last week or so, a number of people have come up to me asking if I was pregnant because I looked it!
Well I face the new week now having to confront people. I am dreading it.