Difficulties in communicating

It was nearly a week ago that I told Mark it was over. I was very cold and felt nothing, which for me reasserted my conviction that what I am doing is the right thing. I had suggested that we let things lie for a couple of weeks. It was alot to take in and very emotional for Mark.

My sister, kids and ma are coming over to my cottage tomorrow and I thought this would be a good opportunity to collect mail and a few bits. So I emailed Mark to make sure it would be okay to come over to the house while he was at work. I didn't want him to think that someone had trespassed and taken stuff!!

Next thing I know, the gallery phone is ringing and when I answer it someone says 'It's me'. Not expecting any particular person to call, 'It's me' meant nothing and so I asked 'Who?'. 'Me, Mark'. Well I never recognised him and felt embarrassed that I didn't either. He sounded very low and deep, quiet and sad. It hit a nerve. We talked for a while. He can't bare my stuff around the house because there are just too many memories. So he has bagged a car load up for me to collect. At this point his voice broke. I felt tears. This is the first time I have felt anything. I am not sure if this is because I know I am hurting someone who still loves me very much and who still can't get angry with me, or because I still feel something still. I guess I feel something.....hard not too after 12 years of being with someone. We talked about splitting stuff. I told him he should keep the furniture, but he said some of it was what he had made for me and I should have it. Either way, he doesn't want it. Over the years Mark has made me some beautiful furniture; chest of drawers, mirrors, a chest for my 21st. He is a very, very talented furniture-maker and all the stuff is in solid wood. I want to keep it.

Financially he is okay at the minute, but we talked about him having a lodger until things are sorted out officially. This seems the best way to go long term, even if he chooses to buy me out. We need to really sit down and talk this through. It is obviously something neither of us has done and we don't know what the protocol is. I have people around me who are keeping my feet on the ground and making sure my emotions do not get in the way of decisions. But that is easier said than done. I am glad of these friends around me. Mark and I are going to meet up next week and start going through things.

I apologised for hurting him and said is there anything I could do or say that would help or if there was anything he wanted to ask me that would help? He replied, 'nothing you say or do now will make the hurting any less. There is nothing you can do'. I felt a stabbing in my heart. How can I be such a bitch to someone so good? But I replied. 'I could stay with you for the rest of my life, even though it wouldn't be what I wanted just so I wouldn't hurt you, but that wouldn't be fair on either of us in the long term'. This is a difficult time for both of us. I think it is finally hitting me what it is I am doing. I am scared. Knowing there is someone there who loves you is always a comfort and I could play safe and not take any risks. But that would be the old Terri. Theresa is here now. I do feel she is edging back to Terri at the minute because the strong friends around her are not guiding and pushing her forward like they were a while ago. I understand why as well. But I wish they weren't so angry with me and could just accept my happiness. In time I hope they will.

So there we are.....this was good for me to get this out. I feel my therapy is back! Take y'all x x