Coming to an end

Yesterday, I received in the post the Divorce Petition. You know when you read through it it kinda hits you just what it is you are actually doing and going through and what you are putting the other person through. When I read, in Mark's hand-writing, 'The Respondent has comitted adultery with a man and the Petitioner finds it intolerable to live with the Respondent', a sharp knife goes straight through my stomach. I just cannot stop crying.

Mark had also sent me a typed letter regarding finances and settlement....all very professional. In my replies I too am trying to remain professional but I keep hearing in my head 'I am so so sorry Mark, I really never meant to hurt you'. And once again I am crying. My future is very good and I know I must cling to that. But I HATE myself for putting Mark through all this pain, not just emotionally but financially too. He is very much in contact with my parents...truth be told, more so than me. I don't have a problem with that. Why should their relationship change just because of me? I really hope in time, that one day Mark and I can be friends and stay in touch just every now and again. Twelve years of loving someone is very hard to just cut off like that. He is a very good person and I hope he will find someone worthy of his kindness and love. But it still breaks my heart that I was so cruel to him.....but maybe I have to be cruel to be kind for both our futures?