Scared

I am now 5 and a half months pregnant and on the one hand my pregnancy has been easy. I have had no morning sickness and luckily for me I am able to stay at home and rest. On the downside, this gives me time to think, sometimes too much and I become lonely and can feel isolated and lately extremely emotional.

A couple of weeks ago I had to go and see a Consultant because I have an underactive thyroid which can effect the baby if not monitored carefully. So I get there and he is running an hour late. Fair enough. But when I go in he asks me if I have had any blood tests done recently for my thyroid. I said I assumed so because at my first meeting with the midwife, she was adament about me seeing a Consultant to keep an eye on me and straight after she sent me for blood tests.

Well, according to the Consultant it was never taken and I had basically wasted my time. He sent me for the blood tests and said he would see me again in 8 weeks time. A few days later I woke in such pain that I booked an emergency appointment with my Doctor. I recognised the symptoms as a urinary infection and this was to be my second time since becoming pregnant. More antibiotics. While I was there I asked for some more tablets for my thyroid. He asked me if this was being monitored and I explained what had happened. He virtually said that waiting 8 weeks was a bloody waste of time as the pregnancy would be nearly over by then and sent me for blood tests and he would monitor me. There is a chance that the baby can grow too big and not in a good way.

Today, the midwife from the hospital called me saying the Consultant needed to see me ASAP. I thought she said my thyroid was too high but I am not sure in all the confusion and shock. I told the midwife I had also had tests done through my Doctor, and she said that is where the results have come from. I think I am in shock more than anything. Already, 5 months have passed by without any monitoring and I have no idea on the effect this may have on my baby. I feel so out of control. To think that I am having to put all my faith in the experts and it is by chance that this was discovered sooner than later. And I hear people saying all the right things....it was fate etc etc, but when you are carrying a life inside you, you are responsible for that life and if anything happens then it is you who has to be the one who accepts those consequences. What if I had pushed harder to see the doctor sooner? God, what if something is wrong because of my slackness? This kills me.

To top it all, and I am not sure if this is because of my thyroid, but I am an emotional wreck. It is hard to decipher what is related to pregnancy and not. All I know is I cannot stop crying and feeling lonely. I have never said this till now, but the friend I thought would be there for me always, who got me through the last 3 years, doesn't want to know me now and it breaks my heart. It really breaks my heart.

I see the Consultant on Wednesday morning - he only does Wednesday mornings!! I am supposed to be heading into central London this evening for a meal with some wonderful people. But I find myself getting out of breathe extremely easily and have felt like I am on the verge of panic attacks. So I will stay at home and try and enjoy my own company. Have to say though, I am sick of it!