It's nearly all over......time to move on

After two weeks from finding out I had lost the baby I went back for a scan. I had had a solid week of heavy bleeding and then it just stopped. At the scan there was no signs of the baby and the midwife said my miscarriage was now complete. I was very lucky apparently, as some women have to keep going back because only parts of the miscarriage have come away or can end up having a scrape. I knew my baby had gone.

In that same morning, when I woke up I had the symptoms of cystitus. This made it very hard to keep a bladder full for the scan. The midwife said I needed an iron drink to boost my blood cell levels. I was now run down, and boy did I feel it. From then I took sachets and drank lots of fluid, but over the weekend and then into Monday it felt like a full blown UTI; headache, lower abdomen and back pain, painful to wee etc etc. Come Tuesday, I rang the hospital for my urine sample test result. It came back clear! They said it might be an infection and to go and see my GP. So I did. I am now on antibiotics even though the dip test came back negative again. There is something definitely not right, what ever it is. I am feeling a zillion times better now.

Over these past two weeks, lots has happened. Dom has had a birthday, we have had our third wedding anniversary, my friend Helen has been up on her way to South Africa for a month, Dom and I have started jive classes and boy are they great, and then there was Mother's day. Meg made me a lovely card and I got some flowers too. We went out for the day to Painshill park, which was absolutely gorgeous. There were lots of quirky buildings to explore on the 18th century historical walk. It was abandoned in the 1940s but has been brought back to it's original life in the 80s. Well worth a day out, especially on a picnic weather day.
It's not until today that I feel 100% and we are going out tonight to celebrate our anniversary over a posh curry! Can't wait. We have only ever eaten in a curry house together once! This won't even be a proper curry house, but it will be lovely.

I was looking through old photos and videos of Meg this morning and suddenly I just burst into tears. Seeing her as a baby, crawling and giggling just hit home what I had lost. I think the physical aspects of losing the baby has taken over the emotional side and I don't think I have moved on just yet. We have bought one of my favourite flowers in seed form, called 'forget-me-not', which we are going to sprinkle all over the back of the garden as our memory to our lost one, who will never be forgotten.

A week on.......

I have been on a roller coaster of emotions since hearing of the death of my baby. Anger, depression, sadness, pain - emotionally and physically. I think I am coming to terms with it all now. The bleeding has eased, as has the pain. All I think now is 'there goes my baby, down the toilet....how disrespectful and a terrible way to disappear from our lives'. I am going to buy and plant a meaningful rose to remember our little one that got away by. They will always be in our hearts. I find it frustrating that I couldn't even find out the sex of our baby. Would have liked to have given a name.

I have tried to keep busy and we even did a local walk at the weekend although I was in a bit of pain. But it did me good to get out. I have listened to a lot of Amy Macdonald too, and although her lyrics aren't sad, the haunting sound of her beautiful voice did make me cry a lot. Meg has been good on the whole. She doesn't really understand and I think sometimes has played me up big time for attention. My hormones are all over the place and I find myself extremely snappy at times. I do apologise to her after though. She is oblivious! She's too laid back to let anything get to her. Wish I was like that!

Now I must look forward, positively. We are going to start trying again in June when on holiday in the South of France. That will give my body a few months rest and a chance to enjoy a holiday now with out restrictions of what I eat and drink. It gives me a chance to carry on taking folic acid which you should start taking three months before you start trying to conceive. I will get it right this time. And I will do it with more conviction knowing that more than ever there is nothing I want more than to have another child with the most caring and loving husband in my world. If I have learnt one thing from this experience, it's that Dom and I are meant to be together always. This has made us stronger.
So will I carry on my blog....we will see.

Where do I begin?

I guess I could say there is no point continuing this blog now as the whole point was to follow the development of my pregnancy. But Friday I found out the baby was dead and I am now going through a delayed miscarriage.
Looking back from the start, literally from conception, I guess it was inevitable really. I was just too arrogant to think that I could lose a baby. I had kept records of things and have realised that from the day of conception, I started getting the most horrendous headaches. This went on for two weeks. Then my hair was getting greasy far more quickly than usual. I put this as a sign of all the hormones changing, potentially because I might be pregnant. People were telling me I looked pale and tired. Looking back I think my body was fighting and losing a battle to keep the baby. My breasts did become tender but thinking about it, that stopped a few weeks ago. Dom had bought me the most beautiful set of underwear for Valentine's day but because it was underwired I told him to take it back. I wrote letters to Meg's school and swimming instructor making demands due to another baby on the way. How bloody arrogant was that!?
But the wake up call happened on Wednesday 4th when I noticed brown spotting. Looking on the internet I wasn't too worried as this can happen and besides, it's old blood. It's when it's new blood you should be nervous. Well this carried on through to Thursday eve until it turned to red. Just a little, but enough for me to feel nervous. Dom could tell something was wrong. I couldn't keep it from him. I said I would see how I go through the night and see if it happened again. It happened again in the morning. I told Dom, but said it's not enough to start worrying and for him to go to work. I knew he had a big meeting to go to. I knew too, that once I had dropped Meg off at nursery my friend would take me to the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit down at the hospital. I was still so bloody arrogant about it all. I thought, as long as I get to hear a heartbeat it would all be okay. I never even contemplated that this wouldn't happen.
I waited three hours, drinking and peeing regularly. You are meant to have a full bladder to do the scan. My good friend Claire had taken control of looking after Meg so I didn't have to worry about rushing back to get her. I went in to a room to have some paper work done. I told the midwife how great I felt and how well I was eating. She said I would be called again in a while to have a scan done. Around 1pm I was called. A quick scan was done but my uterus wasn't at the right angle so the doc said she needed to do an interal scan, which meant emptying my bladder. After all that! She made a remark about being able to see the feotus but it only looked around 5 weeks to her. I didn't register what she meant. Had I got my dates wrong? It wasn't until she had done the internal scan that she showed me the sac and the foetus inside. She said she was so sorry but she couldn't detect a heartbeat and it looked like the baby had died at 5 weeks.... a few days after I had found out I was pregnant. I burst into tears. She said she'd arrange for the midwife to come and talk with me and go through the next stages. The bleeding was probably the start of a delayed miscarriage.
The midwife came and got me and took me back to the same room as before. I got details about what will happend next and whether I wanted an op or a natural loss. I wanted to lose this baby the most natural way I could. She said to expect a lot of bleeding and clotting in the next 48 hours together with mini labour pains. Well she wasn't wrong! She also said to expect depression and sadness not necessarily at the beginning. It may hit me later. Each woman is different. I think it has hit me immediately and hard. I cannot speak to anyone. It's just too emotional. I am writing this because I feel it may help me to get it out of my system.
Dom has been telling family and dealing with it the only way he knows how, logically and pragmatically. I got so angry with him. I was crying and saying it's all very well telling people we will get through it and it wasn't meant to be but that's not telling me if he is hurting or not. Show me you feel the pain too!!! With that we both broke down in each other's arms. This has made us stronger if anything and certainly made me appreciate Meg, our perfect little angel, more. The ironic thing about it all is in the last week or so, a number of people have come up to me asking if I was pregnant because I looked it!
Well I face the new week now having to confront people. I am dreading it.

End of week seven

Well this week has been a very busy week. Tuesday night I did my cookery cause whereby I boned and marinated a rainbow trout and then cooked a delicious roast hazelnut chocolate torte. Wednesday eve I went out with a couple of girlfriends to Pizza Express and then on to the cinema to see Slum Dog Millionaire which was fantastic, if a little cringing at times. I went for some blood tests because of my thyroid and so far I haven't heard back so I can only assume that all is well. I am feeling great. Sometimes a little tired but no nausea still and am sleeping extremely well. Meg is being a superstar, such a little girl now. The time will be perfect when number two arrives.

Saturday was a huge DIY day. We ordered some gorgeous oak furniture for the lounge and am expecting a large resin shed this Thursday. Dom moved some plants around and planted a few extra; he put up a new shower carrier and dismantled Meg's cot to become a bed whilst rearranging her room.
This was a big moment for Meg and on Saturday night we were in fits of laughter listening to her thumping around in her bedroom. We found it so hard not to laugh when going to see her to tell her to get back into bed. By 9pm we'd had enough. The threat of the naughty step did the trick and since then she has stayed in her bedroom, even in the mornings! We hear her reading her books and playing musical instruments but she won't leave until we come and get her. Such a lovely girl. It's nice she has her own space now too.

Meg is into big long kisses and cuddles at the minute. My parents came up for the day on Sunday and nothing made them more proud than when she said 'I love you Nanny'. We had a lovely day. Dom took Alf to the driving range to bang a few balls in the morning and then we all went to 'Holland House' in the afternoon which is a grade two listed building inside, full of fantastic furniture and art from the arts and crafts movement. We then went for a walk in Oaks park just down the road.
Later, I cooked an awesome meal followed by the hazelnut and choc torte I made on Tuesday. It all went down a storm. It was lovely having the family up. When the weather gets better, Alf will bring my nieces and sister up with them. Looking forward to that.

What a lovely day yesterday, Monday, was. Meg had a fab time at the childrens centre running around in the open. In the afternoon we had her swimming lessons which quite frankly, I dread. Half the time she decides she doesn't want to do it. But this time she was fabulous. She did everything and she did it well. I was so proud of her. It's wierd but each stage of her life I look at her and think, she can't get any better than this, but as each month goes by I realise she can and I love her even more.

On that note.......take care
Theresa

End of week six

Well I have made it through another week although my body has had it's ups and downs. Friday, I basically over did it and paid for it on Saturday by having a weird tight stomach and an out of body feeling in my head. Enough that Dom had to take Meg shopping and then dig the garden alone. This is frustrating for me as I love getting my garden ready for the Summer season. However, Dom did a fab job and didn't get frustrated hardly at all! Major break through, considering it's gardening as well! This continued into Sunday morn. I was feeling much better by then and was allowed to do a little pruning. We then did an afternoon of garden centres buying lots of lovely fresh new herbs and two types of passion flowers.

Yesterday I was back to feeling crap again and didn't even have to do anything. I summoned the energy to take Meg to her swimming lessons but quite frankly she wasn't in the mood to do as she was instructed.

I think I have felt a lot more worried and paranoid with this pregnancy but luckily I have been to the docs today and I feel 100% more confident. He is doing all these tests for me as I have an underactive thyroid and am showing signs of it getting worse. I am permanently freezing! I will also be having regular UTI tests as they were the bain of my life during the last pregnancy. In all the questions I put to the Doc, I forgot to get my due date, although I know it is around the 20th October.

This pregnancy is certainly very different compared to the last but luckily I have only had a few minute bouts of morning sickness.....in the middle of the night! I am feeling very, very tired and sometimes extremely ratty, especially with Meg. I do apologise to her after though.

Well, I am off to my cookery class tonight where I am making a roasted hazelnut and bitter chocolate cake! Oooh, forgot to say, Dom and I are booked in for a 9 week course in jive dancing, starting in March! Can't wait! Hope the baby won't mind.

Take care x x x x

It's a fresh start for me

Well it's been just over a year since my dear Nan passed away and I feel I have paid my respects long enough. Truth be told, I didn't want to see her face disappear from my blog. But I am starting again. I hope to write it weekly while Meg is at nursery, and it is going to be about my new pregancy and how I am feeling about it etc. This is so I have a record of it and can look back in years to come and see a well documented history of my life with my family.

So what changed my mind? As people around me know, I only ever wanted one child, didn't feel I could go through with it again, plus wasn't sure if Dom could handle a second bout of sleepless nights. But as my body clock has started ticking (36yrs old) and friends are having seconds and thirds I looked at Meg and thought how selfish that would be. She is such an outgoing girl who loves company. Our last holiday in Spain was a little tough as she had no company. I also think how it would be when we are all older. I have had problems in my family and have always needed my sister and co to support me. Who would she have?

So I put it to Dom on Christmas Eve and the long list of reasons not to in the current climate meant a resounding 'No'. I did understand this response as job security right now is a huge worry for the only bread winner in the family. But Dom really did print the picture of the worst scenario EVER. It even put me off! Unfortunately on New Year's Eve, a little excitement left a condom broken. Could I be pregnant? It worried me now, rather than excited me. But luckily, as I told Dom on the phone, I wasn't. But his response was surprising. He had been thinking it over and realised that it would be nice to have a family of 4. But could we wait til March so he knew how his job would be? Absolutely fine with me!

So I go out with the girls on a proper night out on Saturday Jan 17th and come home to a man who can't wait til March! So from then on, we have been trying :)

So Dom and I started trying for a baby in January 09 and when my due period date of Feb 11th didn't occur I just knew I was pregnant. I waited a day and took a cheap 99p test and there was a faint second line. I tried again two days later and the line was stronger. Added to the fact I had no period still, I think I was on to a winner! Now I know I am extremely lucky that I got pregnant so soon. But it is early days yet. So far the symptoms I have been getting are headaches, pressure headaches.....almost from the day of conception, if that is possible. I am into week 5 now and my boobs are already getting bigger and are very tender. I have already booked an appointment to see my doc next Tues but I think my due date is October 19th 09.

My biggest sacrifice, or so I thought, would be red wine. But actually I haven't missed it. I went out with some girlfriends last night and a couple shared a bottle. I took a sip and thought it was foul. This makes me very happy. We now eat earlier in the evenings which is also a good thing. Btw, I am reading a fab book at the moment called 'The Lost Garden' by Kate Morton. It is shear joy. Not for men though!

So that's it really for now. I will report back next week and re-live my week from now. I find myself enjoying writing again. It's just finding the time to do it!

take care
Theresa

Build up to the funeral

It has been confirmed that my Nan's funeral is to be at Portchester Crematorian on Monday 18th February at 10.45am. Her ashes will be placed together with a plaque at St. Mary's Church on Hayling Island. Some people have asked me to let them know all this so they can have her in their thoughts at that time, which I think is lovely.

It has been quite stressful so far. With all the family being quite scattered, as usual communication is misunderstood sometimes. We have had difficulties finding the birth certificate and her National Insurance Number. My mum sorted all her clothes last Sunday and my sister took them to the Salvation Army clothes bank. The next day an Aunt was ringing up asking for clothes for Nan to wear in the coffin! We had to laugh!

I am going through all Nan's paperwork and shredding old - make that ancient - bills! I've sorted a few of her cupboards and got rid of a hundred tea towels....she was such a hoarder! Now it has been left to me to design the Order of Service, which I have done with honour and pride. I haven't used In Design for a few years but I think I have done it well. The photo above is the one I am using on the front cover. She looks very cheeky! She always had a cheeky smile and a wonderful laugh. It's still hard but it's getting better. I am dreading the funeral.

Take care x x x