afternoon tea and scones. So british


Ok, this is not the 16ft cruiser sailing around the IOW with twosexy guys as promised! This is the 'shit, the engine room has flooded' - so now there is a change of plans, and it's just me, Jacqui and cousin, Sid. So we head for the beach. Sid is in the back of his work van nearly passing out with the heat while Jacqui and I have a good catch up on 'MEN' - there Paul, I said the proper 'M' word!!

Traffic got really bad and pretty much stopped nearer the beach so I swapped places in the van - oh and stupidly offered to go back home in the back too!! We had a lovely chilled day. The beach was heaving. I think it was the last day of the Summer hols and everyone was making the most of it. Besides, it was going to be the hottest day ever recorded this year, but as you can see from the pictures below, it wasn't that hot really. We had brought a lovely picnic of healthy rabbit food combined with lovely junk food full of 'e's!! Tea and scones were definately the order of the day - how british are we?

Why did Sid and Jacqui invite me out? Cause they had just heard that Mark and I had split. I have tried to keep it fairly discreet, but these two lovelies have taken me under their wings and I thank them for that. They are even meeting up with me for a good bye drink on Friday night. More about that in another post I think.

They dropped me off home and I met up with Dale, stuffing his face with curry. He told me how he had handed in his notice today and how it all went. He has the greatest opportunities ahead of him now, and has been extremely lucky with breaks and people supporting him. But I know he is very grateful - just can't express it too well some times - except for this enourmous cheesy grin he has!

After that I went on line to chat for a bit, and my Ma phones. We are on the phone for an hour or more and it ain't really me doing the talking. She and Pa have just come back from Sweden staying with Ulri. She reckons talking to Ulri and being there, has changed her whole perception on life. We shall see. Didn't stop her from judging me though and then when I defended myself, because this was the first opportunity I could, she makes out she's the innocent one! GRRR.

Can anyone tell me how a nice normal conversation can just change within seconds and you realise - oh shit - this is going to get ugly and you don't even know how or why the situation arose in the first place? You start questioning things and little doubts come into your mind and you think 'Shit - What am I doing?' I am on a whole new journey - an exciting one but also an unknown one. I feel it is the right thing to do and I believe that it could be the best thing I have ever done. I'm sorry if this all sounds gobbledy gook to some, i just have to be discreet!' Anyway, as the saying goes....'there ain't 'nowt so queer as folk'....especially my Ma!! LOL

I go now, me bath!

take care y'all

packed beach at West Witterings 

Cousin Sid with lovely girlfriend Jacqui 

Deep Discussions

When I got in from Elly's i decided I needed to catch up on some sleep so at 10.15 I go and wash and brush my teeth and hear the door slam! Dale is back!! Up the stairs he comes, bouncing off the walls telling me he is drunk! But in a different way! He is all gigly and relaxed and really happy. We end up having a night cap and chatting and nerding on the computer until 12.30am. I love these chats we have. We really open up to each other and I feel like I am getting to know the real Dali at last. Anyway, big day ahead. Am going sailing to the Isle of Wight.

CELEBRATIONS AT ELLY'S

so elly texts saying she's having a girl's BBQ, and to be round at 6.30pm. I love these spontaneous invites. It doesn't give me a chance to make excuses not to go which I would have done at one time. So there is me, Elly, Erin, Cheryl and the delightful sweet Ludo, who is now my best friend - and later on Cheryl's bloke Mike rolls up to eat leftovers!!

Okay, so all the pics are arse about tit...but that's part of the fun!

all in black ready for resignation

Today, I handed in my notice!!!!! Tonight I party!!

Last Bank holiday - so we gotta celebrate!

Smiley Helen before we headed down to the Seafront to watch Abba UK!

It had been arranged that after I had finished work - on yet another bank holiday, we would all head down to the seafront where an Abba tribute band were going to be playing followed by fireworks. A friend had already been down earlier to see how busy it was and it turned out to be heaving. So we ordered an Indian take-away, a new experience to one of my friends....but slowly slowly catchy monkey! Drank some sparkling wine, and then headed off with all our flash camaras to take some pics of the sunset and of course Abba. However, my battery died so I had to try all the others camaras instead. We got some amazing photos of a spectacular sunset. I had lugged a long tripod down too and when we were at the concert looking all professional. People started coming up to us asking if we could take their photos. They asked who we worked for and I said the Evening News !!! Lol. Got some great pics though. Hopefully I will be sent some to post later.

Do I look cool or what?!

Dale was adament that he wasn't gonna come to the Abba concert, but we managed to make it sound like it was a photographic opportunity....so he joined us!! He's a secret Abba fan really, I'll bet!!

Quelle fleur?

Over the weekend, I went to Somerset and stayed with some wonderful people. The garden was absoluteley stunning coupled with magnificant views and clean air - I was in my element. This flower was on a rockery. The leaves are a deep mauve against this brilliant pink. I would love to have some. Can anyone help identify it for me?

how stunning is this?

On the journey down, I saw the most amazing sunset develop. This is taken while the car is in motion! Not bad if I say so myself!

Sunset on journey to beautiful Somerset for the weekend

On Saturday, I went to Bristol city for the afternoon. It is a very up and coming place, with lots to see and do. I can't get over the incredible buildings the University own. They are truely gorgeous and are lived in by students!!!!

On the way back to Somerset, we popped into see Ester and David, who are expecting their first child in less than two weeks. What lovely people. Ester is a hoot!! And a very intelligent Doctor to boot...didn't stop us from discussing the importance of who is the best looking guy in hollywood at the moment!!! We tended to agree on the majority we named....

While there, they were set up with Instant messenger and a blog. So I look forward to catching up with Ester in particular now that she has got some time on her hands! I am so glad I am making new friends now.

The beautiul Rose 

Happy Birthday Rose!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HELEN, YOU OL' BAG AT 33

Happy birthday Helen, from ~Dale, Terri and Sophie the cat

Apologies - wish I'd never started the previous post!

In the last few posts, I have discovered that being honest and open, yet still trying to be discreet in some areas, is proving to be extremely damaging to people reading it! I never thought I would be writing my personal diary and causing so much upset to people. But people have got to understand that I write this for me....and as I write, I don't necessarily think how this is going to effect readers. But in a way, nor should I! What I write flows from my fingers. I am doing this for me. It is my journey, discovering me. What I say and how I say it, and what I show and how I show it is part of who I am. I would be lying to myself if I made too many conscious decisions about what I can and can't put in, just because it may upset certain people. If they choose to read it then that is up to them. I was told from the beginning that I should be truely honest even if it may cause hurt(to Mark). Infact I was brutally honest, when I read back. Those close to me at the time must have hated what I had written, but they understood why. It was actually my way of communicating to Mark at difficult times when I didn't feel I could say things to him....and he would respond as well via the comments. If he still reads this, and I have been told he does, then that is his choice. I cannot write a diary about my emotions if I cannot express how I feel or what is happening in my life right now. I feel I am being discreet in some areas anyway. So I am sorry if I have upset anyone. But I have to stick to my belief in why I am doing this. And that is for ME.....MY THERAPY.

Take care y'all

My bedroom - for all you ex pats who will never see it!

This post is mainly for my best freind Amy, who is far away in Australia, feeling alone because she misses her friends and family. Am thinking of you very much girl.

So this is my little pad. I love it! I feel like it is MY room. Be it a bomb site. It is very girlie, and I have never had that before. No-one tells me where to put anything and I don't have to worry about other people's stuff. It is my space and I can do what I like in it ;) I have even treated myself to a sheepskin rug which feels wonderful on my feet. I know it's cheesy! lol. I don't have a tv but I find myself taking quality time out, listening to music and reading.

I have lost interest in tv really. I'm sure it will be different come the winter. The cottage will be freezing. Our neighbour has forewarned us of that. I guess Dale and I will end up having to share the same bed just to keep warm! Lol

This week has been a very tough week for me in the friends department. I am coming to realise that the friends I thought I had are no longer friends. I am sick of being the one who makes all the effort of contacting and then to have it thrown back in my face. Some even seem to be, how should I put this, discreet with information, and for reasons I don't understand. My real friends are abroad, away, out of contact, suffering with their own problems. They are the ones I need. They need me too, especially Amy. She is suffering from PND seven months after the birth of Dylan. She hasn't contacted me because she didn't wish to subject negativity on me knowing my situation. I have been so wrapped up in my own bloody problems I forgot that she may need comforting too. She feels alone and needs her friends and family right now. If I could fly over to Sydney right now I would. I'd give her the biggest hug. We would cry our hearts out together and we would chat for hours because we understand each other. Then we would get drunk and dance our souls out in the lounge, cause we are too old for night clubs!! lol.

I hope you are okay Amy. I am here for you. Call me anytime. I will listen.

Am going round to my South African friend, Helen's for tea. She has invited Dali too so I don't have to worry about his tea! Eddie, her husband has gone away and it is her birthday tomorrow but she will be in London, so we need to celebrate tonight! Just for an hour, mind!

Have got to put Dali's portfolio together with him tonight. If we are to get out of Portsmouth, he needs to start applying for jobs in London and around.....think we are heading that way....no one really to keep me here and those that are, want to leave anyway! (Helen and Rose).

God, never planned this to be so long!

Take care y'all.

Theresa

Monday off at my sisters. It's time to Kareoke!

Having a day off on a Monday after working a full weekend, doesn't hold much excitement for me! Until I decide to go to Hayling and spend some quality time with my siter Helen, and my nieces, Anne and Emily. It's also a good opportunity to pop round and see my Nan. I walked to the train station and arrived at Havant where my sister picked me up. We had a chilling afternoon, all four of us watching Grease, all four of us knowing all the words. It's a great timeless film. We went and visited my nan in the afternoon. I was pulling faces at my sister while she chatted to nan trying not to piss herself laughing. My nan didn't know what was going on which made it even funnier!

We came home and boogied and kareoked until we could sing no more and then sat down to a fantastic curry my sister had made.
I love spending time with them now. In the last few months I have had more contact with my sister and girls than I ever had before. She is now into MSN too. I can't get her off it and that is after she told me she had no time for trivialities like talking!! LOL.

Modern technology is really helping my relationships!

Take care ya'll

Line of the year!!

Naming no names, a girlfriend whispered in my ear and said, and this is no lie, but utterly funny:

'I am so wet I could fill a swimming pool!' ( I might just add that it wasn't water she was referring to, nor me btw!).

Could you get a better one liner. I nearly wet myself!!!

GRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

I am the type of person who either festers something inside and lets it eat me alive or I just come out and say it, not necessarily thinking things through, just how I feel at the time! I am trying to strike a balance. It is hard! I feel if I am upset about something, or something is bugging me then I should be honest and say how I feel. Of course there are always consequences to everything we do or say, and that's what life is about. And learning to deal with it too.

So I decided to text one of my closest friends to see how he was and also to let him know that I am still alive if he was still interested! So I asked if he was okay and if his back had recovered....kept it short just to test the waters really. He replied a long text(3 updates), saying how he was doing sports now, spending time with his girlfriend, house hunting, oh and staying in touch with all our friends from university. 'See ya laterz, though'. I can't tell you how that hit a nerve. So why hadn't he been in touch with me? I texted back saying I was glad he was in touch with all our friends and I am okay, thank you for asking!!' Baring in mind we used to talk smut constantly. He really knew how to lower my levels, if you know what I mean. But we had fun!

His reply just through me!

Don't know what to say really hun. A little disappointed with you really. Not meant to hurt you or ignore you. Just struggling with whats happened. Can't forget how much you slated L**** for the crap she done. Not my problem what you and mark doing to each other, not my business, but can judge you on the whole way you done it. Not wanting to lose touch, just getting my head round things. I know I should not judge you, but its easy to say and hard to do!

To which I replied ( btw, this is my therapy, getting this down)

I don't see how you can compare me to L***! You haven't even talked to me at all! How dare you judge me when you don't even bother to hear my side of the situation! I was there for you everyday when you were breaking up. You haven't been there for me once.....and you judge me!I am so upset! Lets leave it at that.

Friend!
Fine by me hun, as I said, not wanting to get people upset, and I dare to judge people how I want, as I am an individual who has his own thoughts and views, and as for being there for you, if you had even bothered to let me know, may be I would have. I seem to remember asking for yours and Mark's help. You don't ask, you don't get. Am no frigging mind reader. Anyway, didn't want to argue, which is why I left it. Have fun.

Me
I am sorry that you were not at the fore-front of my thoughts when Mark and I were going through a very painful and upsetting break up. I just would have thought that once you knew, I would have heard from you, just one text maybe? I have had to completely change my life because of the decision I made, finances, somewhere to live etc. I have left Mark cause I realised I loved him as a brother, and no more. One life, one chance to be happy. It's a sacrifice I do not regret.

Friend
Not my concern what you and Mark do in your lives, and never expected to be told what was going on, but if you wanted help or chat when you made your split, that's fine you just had to ask. Don't need to know gory details of your life, or decisions you make at the time, and wouldn't expect to be in your thought at the time either. But I only help people who ask and you didn't, so how would I know? First I heard about it all was from Mark. Not judging you and your decision, hope you're happy, but have my own views on how things are done, and that's that. Don't wish you unhappy, don't want to know your personal life with Mark, your business, but I met Mark cause he called me, and asked the same, so stop getting on your high horse, and saying I can't have views, and just get on with things. Never said I was not your mate. But I can say I am disappointed, and if that's how I feel then that's that. You don't like it then tuff!

I am so pleased I have such kind and supportive friends. I would have just loved to have called him and told him the situation!! He would have listened and been non-judgemental. NOT!

Maybe I am being harsh. But as I said, I write what I feel at the time. My friend is a very stubborn person and never in the wrong. I seem to surround myself with people like that. Makes for good debates - as I am one too!

Take care y'all

Happy Lefthander day...be it a few days late. (Aug 13th)

A friend just texted me to wish me happy lefthander day. So I get on the net and find out they are a little late, but nice thought and a good chance to promote my keggywallahness!

YOU MAY BE MORE LEFT-HANDED THAN YOU THINK
We all, of course, know in which hand we hold a pen, but how far does this bias extend throughout your body? Are you left-eared? Left eyed? Here is a simple test you can apply to yourself.

1. Imagine the centre of your back is itching. Which hand do you scratch it with? L
2. Interlock your fingers. Which thumb is uppermost? L
3. Imagine you are applauding. Start clapping your hands. Which hand is uppermost? R
4. Wink at an imaginary friend straight in front of you. Which eye does the winking? L
5. Put your hands behind your back, one holding the other. Which hand is doing the holding? R
6. Someone in front of you is shouting but you cannot hear the words. Cup your ear to hear better. Which ear do you cup? L
7. Count to three on your fingers, using the forefinger of the other hand. Which forefinger do you use? R
8. Tilt your head over on to one shoulder. Which shoulder does it touch? L
9. Fixate a small distant object with your eyes and point directly at it with your forefinger. Now close one eye. Now change eyes. Which eye was open when the fingertip remained in line with the small object? (When the other eye, the non-dominant one, is open and the dominant eye is closed, the finger will appear to move to one side of the object.) L
10. Fold your arms. Which forearm is uppermost? L

Added question....Which side do you tilt your head to snog? L!! LOL

If you have always considered yourself to be right or left-handed you will probably now have discovered that your body is less than total in its devotion to its favoured side. If you are right-handed the chances are that you were not able to be 'right' 10 times.

7 out of 10. I guess I am pretty keggywallahish


FASCINATINGLEFT-HANDED FACTS

Most left-handers draw figures facing to the right
There is a high tendency in twins for one to be left-handed
Stuttering and dyslexia occur more often in left-handers (particularly if they are forced to change their writing hand as a child, like King of England George VI).
Left-handers adjust more readily to seeing underwater.
Left-handers excel particularly in tennis, baseball, swimming and fencing
Left-handers usually reach puberty 4 to 5 months after right-handers
4 of the 5 original designers of the Macintosh computer were left-handed
1 in 4 Apollo astronauts were left-handed - 250% more than the normal level.
Left-handers are generally more intelligent, better looking, imaginative and multi-talented than right handers ( based on discussions among members of the Left-Handers Club! :) I second that!! ;)

Feeling alone and then there's fate

I am starting to think that there isn't alot keeping me here in Portsmouth anymore. By that I mean friends. Of course my family are here, but where ever I am I would make sure I saw them regularly. I do feel alone right now. Dale has gone away for a week, so I have the house all to myself which is a good test on my independance - and cooking for one.

But it's more than that. All my friends are moving away, or on, or are just too busy. I miss Dale. I miss Ulri. I miss my very close friends. Helen has come into my life and I am thankful for that. In fact, just when I thought I'd be alone tonight the little angel invites herself round with a bottle of wine. I do like it when things like this happen. It's like someone doesn't want me to feel bad. God knows I have felt enough of that recently anyway. Helen doesn't want to be in Portsmouth anymore either. It's like we have outgrown it. However, I do like being by the sea. Everytime I come back from visiting London, I get off the train and breathe in the sea air. There is nothing like it. The views are spectacular and I couldn't imagine life without it. I have taken to going down to the seafront lately aswell. I need to maximise absorbing it, if I am to move away. Hey, might suggest to Helen that we take the wine down to Southsea common with a picnic blanket. Good idea.

I do have lots of washing to do and plenty of DVDs to watch. But, the beautiful sun is beckoning. It's an opportunity not to be missed. I sit in artificial light all day and I am 2 minutes from the ocean. How bad is that!

Well, I feel better knowing that I won't be alone now. Funny how things work out.

Take care y'all

Theresa

How to pass the time away

Okay, I have had a fairly busy morning, but now I am whyling the time away for a bit. I have come up with a load of questions, off the top off my head. Maybe the questions say something about me and where I am at now. Who knows. Would be great if others did this too and sent their answers to my comments. Always like to see how differently people think.

Do not read through the questions first. Answer as spontaneously as you possibly can. Post me your answers.

When was the last time you said something nice to someone?
This morning
What was it you said?
I love you
How did you feel when/after you’d said it?
Very happy
When was the last time you said something horrible to someone?
A couple of weeks ago, to my parents
What was it you said?
Too personal to say, but life is too short!
How did you feel when/after you’d said it?
I was very angry, but I felt guilty too.
Do you regret saying it?
No. I needed them to know how I felt. I always speak honestly, to my detriment lately!
When did you last feel really alone?
This morning.
Who/what pulled you out of feeling that way?
Still feeling it.
When did you last make a significant change to your life?
3 months ago
Why did you make that change?
Realised I was with the wrong person.
If you could go on holiday tomorrow, where would you go?
Barcelona
Who would you go with, if anyone?
Someone who would look after me and pamper me to death.
If life wasn’t so complicated, what would be your ideal situation right now?
No financial worries, no dependencies on other people, nice house in Spain and someone to share it all with.
What would make you happy right now?
An orgasm ; )
What would make you sad right now?
Not having anyone there for me.
If you could do one special thing today, without complications, what would you do?
Go to London to see a special friend.
If you knew you had just 24 hours left to live, describe your perfect day?
Concert by Mariza, followed by an air balloon trip over hot sunny Spain, drinking champagne and pork pie with someone special.
If you could have anything to eat right now, describe what it would be?
Tapas....gambas pil pil, croqettas pollos, chorizo, paella
Which chef would you have cook it?
Nigel Slater
What is your worst personal habit?
plucking
What is your best trait?
caring
How would you describe your personality?
warm, friendly, giving, open and honest, forward and blunt. Likeable ; )
If you could see anyone in concert, of any era, who would you like to see that you haven't seen before?
Gypsy Kings
If you could buy any painting…?
Anything by Edgar Degas. I love his quality of colour and light, especially his female nudes bathing and the ballerinas.
If you could do one thing to improve the world, what would it be?
Shoot President Bush/blow up every MacDonalds. Same thing really!
If you weren’t here tomorrow, how do you think you would be remembered?
A bitch by my husband.....actually, probably not. He doesn't have a bad bone in his body.....supportive, loyal, kind and generous.....did I forget gorgeous....for good reason!! lol
How would you like to be remembered?
Happy and full-filled

Take care y'all

Great Saturday night

Was meant to pop round to my parents after work for fish and chips but having been stuck in traffic for over an hour and not really getting anywhere, that event was dropped! Instead, came home and did a 'snack' shop at Waitrose. Mezes, chorizo, crisps, cheese on toast...all ghott queet ('good shit' in Swedish). Finished watching American Beauty, one of my favourite films. Had started to watch it late the night before after a wonderful stroll down on the beach. But sleep always seems to catch up with me.

Anyway, after a few gin and cokes with lime (my new drink!!), Helen and Eddie came round and we all headed for Gunwharf where we went bowling. I was playing the best I have ever played. I was on a roll and just one or two points behind the leader at the end!! Top form! After that we had a boogie...or rather I did!! Helen joined me now and again, but I was left to it!! Just me and the wonderfully naff DJ, who apparently recognised me from last time which was three months ago. He said I had a memorable face...he even remembered the song I requested last time!!

At 1am we walked home and I crashed. Work the next day is a real pain, but I feel fine (ish). Thank god I was drinking lots of water as well. It was good going out on a Saturday night though, with great company.

Take care y'all

FED UP!!!

I am so fed up! It is 5.10pm on a Saturday. I am at work, sitting at a computer in the gallery, wishing I was somewhere else. I suddenly feel so down. I am so bored of this job. It was good up until a few months ago, but now there is nothing doing. I struggle to pass the time away, I really do! I have started reading more of other people's blogs, but there is only so much of that you can do. Staring at a computer screen all day is really starting to put a strain on my eyes. Not sleeping alot adds to that.

But soon it will be closing time. It is pissing down with rain. Everybody is soaking wet, and in 15 minutes time I will be joining them! Horrah!

Just needed to get that off my chest. Can't say it has helped though. Still, hopefully tonight will be good. Am going out with friends bowling, well atleast for a few bevvies, which I feel are well deserved!!

Take care y'all.

Theresa

view from my bedroom

It's the third Thursday night I have missed jive dancing now. I'm worried I'm not going to remember how to do it or the pleasure I got from doing it! So instead, after cooking dinner for Dale and I, I began to make the base for a lemon and lime cheesecake. This is the point when Dale suggests we walk down to the seafront and chill for a bit. You know, I live 5 minutes away from the seafront now and what with one thing or another, I never make the effort to get there. So when he asked if I'd like to join him, I thought, why not. We took a couple of glasses and a can of wife-beating Stella, together with a spliff for Dale, and headed for the front. We sat on the top by the castle overlooking the sea. The sky was fantastic. The cloud formations and lighting made for a beautiful evening. The photo is taken from my bedroom when we got back. There can be great sunsets in Portsmouth. I just don't get to see them much, but will make more of an effort now....seeing as the Summer will be gone soon.

After making the cheesecake I went to my room to chat on line. It gets very warm in my room and so I have the windows open fully. Having a chinese takeaway nearby sometimes makes the smell a little unbearable but tonight's smell was of dope. Now Dale knows not to smoke in the house so when I smelt it I stuck my head out of the window and shouted 'Oiy, Dale, are you smoking a spliff?' He stuck his head out the window with a face of shock, at the same time as our nieghbour shouted that it was him!! Well how embarrasing!! Next thing Dale is in my room, saying he nearly had a heart attack cause he thought I was bloody psychic, as he was just about to skin up!!!! We both were in stitches!! Not sure if you had to be there...but we found it hilarious!!

Haven't been sleeping very well of late again. Back to my old tricks. I think it is because I am thinking about the meeting I am going to have with Mark soon about dividing things etc and where we go from here. I was researching divorce on line at work yesterday, and I still can't believe I am in this situation. It feels like it is some one else. I have always found it wierd to be called 'MRS' anyway as I have never seen myself as old enough - or mature enough Lol! It's wierd!

Work is quiet today so I am playing around on the net. Have come across a great website for both men and women although it is targeted at men. www.askmen.com. We all could learn alot from this useful sight I think! Anyway, check it out if you have a few hours, or atleast bookmark some of the tips ;) Scroll down the home page to the headings for 'love' and 'sexuality'. There are very useful articles written by a woman in response to men's questions on the female! WARNING. You could be in for the time of your life!! lol.

Take care y'all

Woman on a mission! I am going nuts - and I apologise

Dale came home from work late last night and said I looked very distressed. Didn't think I was but I guess after the day I had had I should have been!

My ma never came round, due to my eldest niece needing to go to the doctor. Helen wouldn't have come over either if it hadn't been for Mark asking me to remove all my stuff from the dining room that he had bagged up. Too many memories he said. After we'd had lunch we drove over to the house. There was a shit load of stuff. Where the hell had it all come from? Any sign that I had lived there had pretty much been irradicated. Empty photo frames, replaced pictures, it was no longer my home. It hit a nerve. I wanted to burst into tears, but I knew I had to be strong infront of the children. Helen had only recently told Emily that Mark and I were no longer together but we were still very good friends. Emily has taken it very well, as kids do! I noticed that he had Ulri's portrait sat prominent on the telephone table. They are communicating alot and I appreciate her support with him in all this. She is a very special friend to both of us.

Once we had dumped all my stuff back at the cottage (which filled the whole bloody front room btw) we drove to Hayling. I had one more mission. Probably the hardest one yet. I couldn't keep this whole situation from my Nan any longer. She is 89 but very astute. She is the most important person in my life because she has ALWAYS been there for me. It had annoyed me that all my family were telling me I shouldn't tell her because it would kill her. (She likes Mark very much). But I could not go on living a lie especially to the one who I value the most and who I have entrusted my life with. She deserves my honesty. And she had guessed something was up for a while now anyway. Finally everyone agreed.

So my sister dropped me off at my Nan's. I was very uptight with Nan for a while. She was asking if I could ask Mark to fix things for her. I said I would fix it - and I did!! After a while, I took her hand and said I have something very serious I need to tell you and I know you are not going to like it. When I told her that Mark and I were over, she was in shock for about 30 seconds. She asked me the usual questions and I answered as honestly as I could. It wasn't as bad as I thought. I should have known it wouldn't be! My Nan is a funny one. The smallest things can eat her up and worry her, but when you tell her something big like this, she takes it in her stride and just deals with it. She would have been a great person in a crisis; calm and collected, I've seen her like this before. She is my hero.

So I came home on the train having achieved all my missions for the day. Spent alot of the evening going through the bags. God I have alot of crap. Guess you keep it when you think you have the space. But I don't now and so am going to have to ditch alot of it. Ebay maybe useful here!!

I have felt slightly neglected of late by my friends. But I have got it all wrong. They are just busy with there own lives. They haven't forgotten me. I have just blown it all out of proportion. And I apologise for this. Sorry guys. You know who you are.


Well am at work now and for the next 4 days it is just Dale and I running the gallery. Bosses are having a well earned break and are going to their niece's wedding. We can breathe again!!!

Take care y'all

Theresa

Charlie has been my unbiast back bone through out all this....and I am eteranlly grateful to him 

Difficulties in communicating

It was nearly a week ago that I told Mark it was over. I was very cold and felt nothing, which for me reasserted my conviction that what I am doing is the right thing. I had suggested that we let things lie for a couple of weeks. It was alot to take in and very emotional for Mark.

My sister, kids and ma are coming over to my cottage tomorrow and I thought this would be a good opportunity to collect mail and a few bits. So I emailed Mark to make sure it would be okay to come over to the house while he was at work. I didn't want him to think that someone had trespassed and taken stuff!!

Next thing I know, the gallery phone is ringing and when I answer it someone says 'It's me'. Not expecting any particular person to call, 'It's me' meant nothing and so I asked 'Who?'. 'Me, Mark'. Well I never recognised him and felt embarrassed that I didn't either. He sounded very low and deep, quiet and sad. It hit a nerve. We talked for a while. He can't bare my stuff around the house because there are just too many memories. So he has bagged a car load up for me to collect. At this point his voice broke. I felt tears. This is the first time I have felt anything. I am not sure if this is because I know I am hurting someone who still loves me very much and who still can't get angry with me, or because I still feel something still. I guess I feel something.....hard not too after 12 years of being with someone. We talked about splitting stuff. I told him he should keep the furniture, but he said some of it was what he had made for me and I should have it. Either way, he doesn't want it. Over the years Mark has made me some beautiful furniture; chest of drawers, mirrors, a chest for my 21st. He is a very, very talented furniture-maker and all the stuff is in solid wood. I want to keep it.

Financially he is okay at the minute, but we talked about him having a lodger until things are sorted out officially. This seems the best way to go long term, even if he chooses to buy me out. We need to really sit down and talk this through. It is obviously something neither of us has done and we don't know what the protocol is. I have people around me who are keeping my feet on the ground and making sure my emotions do not get in the way of decisions. But that is easier said than done. I am glad of these friends around me. Mark and I are going to meet up next week and start going through things.

I apologised for hurting him and said is there anything I could do or say that would help or if there was anything he wanted to ask me that would help? He replied, 'nothing you say or do now will make the hurting any less. There is nothing you can do'. I felt a stabbing in my heart. How can I be such a bitch to someone so good? But I replied. 'I could stay with you for the rest of my life, even though it wouldn't be what I wanted just so I wouldn't hurt you, but that wouldn't be fair on either of us in the long term'. This is a difficult time for both of us. I think it is finally hitting me what it is I am doing. I am scared. Knowing there is someone there who loves you is always a comfort and I could play safe and not take any risks. But that would be the old Terri. Theresa is here now. I do feel she is edging back to Terri at the minute because the strong friends around her are not guiding and pushing her forward like they were a while ago. I understand why as well. But I wish they weren't so angry with me and could just accept my happiness. In time I hope they will.

So there we are.....this was good for me to get this out. I feel my therapy is back! Take y'all x x

The things little ones say!

There is nothing like being amazed by children's honesty and the wonderful things that come out from their little innocent mouths sometimes....


Tim, my sister's friend: "So where did a beautiful girl like you come from Anna?"
Anna, nearly three: "I came from heaven ofcourse!".

Sharp and cute or what?!!!!

Unbelievable conversation with boss!

My boss is a late 50's Australian, called Leon. Get a load of this conversation! (We are standing behind the counter in the gallery).

Leon: Can you be a man for one minute?
Theresa: Yeah, sure. (I think I am going to have to lift something at this point. So I mutter something in a deep voice).
Leon: That woman that just left, has got the most fabulous tits!! Thank you Terri, just had to tell someone!

Can you believe this guy? It's not the first time either....and I am not sure if it is just an Aussie thing or a man thing. Should I be honoured that he felt trusting enough that I could take it? Does he think that I would just except this and take not offence? I am not sure how I feel....couldn't stop laughing at the time, purely because of his brazeness about it!! But now I think 'You stupid prat. You should be careful what you say!'

Any one else with a chauvenistic boss?

A new beginning, a new Theresa!

I have a new hair style. I went into my hair dressers last night, said I felt like everything was changing so she offered to change my hair style. Got nothing to lose! Infact I really like it. It is the shortest I have ever had since I was 15 years old. Mark always wanted me to keep it long and so I did! But now I do things for me!!

PLEASE take a look

I would like anyone who comes across this to take a look at the following blog. It is my house mate's. Pay particular attention to his gallery. Dale is a graphic designer and computer nerd. (He has no problem with me saying this - quite proud of it actually). Each month has a set of photos and some of them are just fantastic - all good - but some brilliant. Dale is also a fantastic creative writer as you will also see. Take time to look. It is worth it....I promise. (His 101 things are hilarious and sad too).

http://oxygenkiosk.net/contact.htm

Dale, don't give me a hard time for doing this. You deserve recognition!

Take care y'all

The hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life

By the time I post this I would have told Mark that I am not coming back. I have realised that it is terribly unfair to keep him hanging on like this when I know for absolute certain we are no longer right for each other. He is a very, very good man and is doing alot more with his life now than he has ever done with me. I think this is a good thing. He has more positivity in his life now and new paths to follow. I am just not going down any of those paths with him. He is looking the best he has ever looked as well. Ironically, I think we both are!I hope he can meet someone now that will appreciate this new him. He deserves to be happy. He really does.

I am really scared about my future. I don't know where I will be living in 6 months time or if I will have a job to pay my rent. But that isn't a reason to play safe and stay with someone for the wrong reasons. I hope in time he will understand. I loved him once. We were good together. i have no regrets....just need to move on.