it's all about ME!: May 2005

Bank holiday Monday

Well i didn't think i was getting this day off til I checked the roster last thing yesterday. So it was a nice surprise and therefore I felt we should do something, Ulri, Mark and me. I have always fancied Goodwood Sculpture park, but it is £10 each to get in. But to make the most of it I thought we could take a picnic and laze on a blanket and while the afternoon away in the glorious sunshine.

First thing, Mark and I went to the gym and I had a great work out. Warmed up hard on the treadmill and then Mark showed me exercises he had learned with his personal trainer, Trevor, using the ball. This is an excellent tool to gain balance and work muscles at the same time. It felt good.

We came home and got ready to go to goodwood. The nearer we got to Chichester the darker the clouds got. And when we arrived, it was raining! The setting is absolutely stunning but we ended up having tea and cookies in the car. Thought it best we head back to the coast again to West Witterings where hopefully the sun might shine while we enjoyed the picnic. It did - for a while. Long enough to walk on warm sand and lie on the blanket while we ate. Less than an hour it started to get cloudy and cold. I wanted to go home.

Need to go now. Will finish later

Poor Ulrika with my parents!!!!

Ulri had asked if we could have a roast dinner on her last Sunday and have it with my parents. I thought this would be good as it would kill two birds with one stone. This has been organised a few weeks ago, before things were really bad here. I came home from work at 6 and started preparing dinner. My parents turned up at 6.45pm and for me it was just down hill from there on. Ulri mangaged to take them to the garden while I had to go and comfort Mark upstairs. He lost it, totally - just seeing them. This is so hard. I am trying to comfort him and have told him i am prepared to go to Relate with him. When deep inside I just feel like crying for myself.

We went back downstairs and played the role of perfect couple, having photos taken for my mum to show her friends in Gibraltar when she goes there on holiday in a few weeks. My mum has made me so angry and she hasn't a clue. Her brain has turned to mush with all the painkillers she takes and her lack of intelligence now just makes me so uptight I want to shout at her. She doesn't listen AT ALL. She asks you a question and then totally ignores you when you try to give her an answer. I give up. This just makes me not want to see her any more! Which is a horrible thing to say I know, but it is so draining.

Anyway, they have gone now and i can relax and get my frustrations out on the blog! THANK YOU BLOG!!!!!

is this rainbow a good sign, cause right now I am feeling very uptight!

Ulri is cooking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last night we did our last BBQ with Ulri, despite all of us feeling like shit. Having cleaned all day made Ulri and I even more tired. Mark was just terrible. He couldn't even face cooking and sent himself off to the settee! So here you see Ulrika cooking!!!! This is incredible. It's the nearest she will get to handling food! In my life time anyway! Mark cooked moules for a starter and she actually had the nerve to ask him to write down the recipe. I said not to waste his precious time cause there ain't no way she was gonna cook them. I said it would be better if we just cook them for her when we are in Sweden in a few weeks time! She agreed!

It was a very early night for Mark, 9pm, and so Ulri and I started to watch the dvd of Elvis by the Presleys. I can't get ovet the way I react to seeing him. He sends shivers down me. He is so utterly gorgeous - rather, he was! He has one of those faces I could stare at all day and never ever get bored or tired of looking. Why is that?

Anyway, Ulri couldn't stay up much longer and so I was left alone to enjoy Elvis all by myself. Not that that is a problem. Went to bed at 10.15pm, woke at 3am but managed to go back off sleep until 7.30am which made it a bit of a rush to work this morn. Have got my parents round tonight for roast chicken as requested by Ulrika. She wants to say goodbye to my parents who will be visiting her in August...God help her!!!

Take care. See y'all

BBQ with a hangover! and it's bloody cold!

moules mariniere after Ulri has eaten them!

Cleaning day at Ulri's flat

After eating the traditional fry-up at the 10th hole, it was time for Ulri and I to go clean her flat top to bottom so that she will get her full deposit back. We both felt very rough. The previous night, many sambukas were drunk at the pub, but only water once in the night club. We had so much fun. I have come to realise, that at the age of 32, all your hang ups about how you look on the dance floor just disappear and you dance because you want to. It was interesting to observe all the young 20 year old girls. Ulri and I could totally understand what they were doing, but are so glad that in our 30's we don't give a shit about the opposite sex and how we look to them. We just dance and let go. The thing with us letting go though, is that we really let go and tend to get the attention of the younger men!! We are such teases!! We love it! But we love dancing and just feeling like we own the dance floor and we don't care what everyone else thinks. It ain't important!

So today, we have scrubbed the flat down. I did the kitchen and bathroom, while Ulri did some sorting and cleaning of her bedroom. We had set the music system up in the kitchen and were playing Ulri's body pump music. And the most wierdest thing happened. A song came on and I listened to the lyrics and it just couldn't be any more poignant to where i am with my relationship right now. I feel like it is my song. What was even more strange was that Ulri came into the room and said 'did you hear those lyrics...this is your song!'. The reason why this is so strange is that Ulri has never listened to any lyrics in her life....she just hears sounds, but this time....? Wierd!

I am really struggling now being with Mark. I feel very distant towards him and I know this is absolutely hurting him, but he knows I have got to have my space. He pissed me off yesterday. After we had been shopping together, I felt like taking a book and my walkman and heading down to the beach and maybe try and catch up on my sleep. I put this to him and he said that he'd taken a day off work to be with me, but if that is what I wanted to do then he respected I needed space. So I felt guilty and so didn't go. Instead, I lay in the garden hammock while he lay on the settee in the front room. So much for spending time together! Not only that, he comes into the garden and says he is going for a bike ride! I wish I'd bloody gone down the beach now. Ulri tells me that next time I shouldn't feel guilty, and I won't.

What was good though, was when he came back an hour or so later. He was on such a high! He managed to cycle up Portsdown Hill in one hit, something he felt he could never do and has tried in the past. All this spinning is paying off. He now wants to buy a new bike and maybe join a club. He is also joining a local fun football club with Craig for every Friday night. For me this is fantastic. The more things he can do that don't focus on me the better. And this way he is getting to meet new people and enjoy more things, away from me. It gives us both space.

Soon Dom will be back from Provence too. I have missed being on line and having our chats. It has been a wierd week and as Ulri leaves hopefully I will have someone else to talk to, and maybe from a man's point of view. I am not sure how Mark will react to this, but just as he is making new friends, I want to continue mine.

See y'all. Take care. x x x

We are on the phone to Mark after texting if we could join them for a quick one at the pub before we went clubbing.

the boys enjoying a few beers before their night out!

girls getting ready to go out.

The german jitter bug man, who swept Ulri and me off our feet, quite literally!! Good fun dancing!

Having spent a wonderful evening with Leon, Sally, Julian, Jonquil, Jude, Mark and Ulrika eating the most fantastic food -esp. white anchovies from waitrose - they are amazing! - Duck, a zillion profiteroles with strawberries, raspberries and cream, I decided I was up for a boogie and luckily Ulri and Mark agreed!

We went to Tiger, Tiger and the music turned out to be really good. We met a group of guys who were down from London and who also worked part time in Portsmouth, and who were celebrating Jason's birthday by dressing up in Admirals and Officers outfits. Ulri and I ended up doing the jitterbug with one of the guys who was from North Germany, called Ulrich! I really enjoyed dancing like that. He took control and was very commanding...we like that!

We also met a couple, Debbie and Mark who kindly shared their bottle of wine with us. I have taken down her mobile number and have already contacted her to organise meeting up in a couple of weeks time.

So we danced and we danced and eventually got kicked out and got a taxi home. Ulri is now living with us until she leaves on Wednesday. When we went to bed, I wasn't prepared for the long discussion with Mark. Earlier that evening he had been to his first counselling meeting which he felt went very well and got on with the guy well. Mark seemed to cover alot of ground in one hour! And proceeded to tell me until 4.30am when apparently I fell asleep! I told Mark some things about how I was feeling too, which needed to be said. We agreed it wasn't wise to tell any of our parents yet. I also told him that I felt on edge around him this evening, and felt that he really only came to the night club because he felt obliged to, when if I am honest, I just wanted it to be Ulri and me. I am also letting him know that right now, I see him/love him as a brother. Him raising all his issues quite suddenly, has made me start analysing our whole relationship. This is a good thing. I actually have a vivid memory of the day when he proposed to me. I was seriously ill with an underactive thyroid which had made me seriously over-weight, messed up and quite frankly totally unattractive. So when someone proposes to you despite that, you are not overly excited if you are truely honest, you say 'yes'. And naturally, it is the next stage after being with someone for 5 years. Now, I wonder if I just said 'yes' because I didn't want to be left on the shelf. This is a horrible thing to say and maybe just a memory because of the way I am feeling now. If I was in a better state of mind I am sure I could think of hundreds of good times as to why I married Mark. But this is how I feel right now. This may change in time. But I question, have the last 12 years been a steady journey of just 'being' rather than truely enjoying? I will finish this in the morn. It is 2am and I have just got in from Jongluers after a great boogie with the girl I am going to miss so much. What will i do? Who will I dance with. There is no one like her and I am going to miss her so much.

It is the next day now, and I have just read what a pissed Terri wrote last night. I do sound very harsh but I am also trying to be as honest as I can be. Already, I read through my archives and thank god I wrote down stuff as it is easy to forget down the line. I need to record these feelings and emotions so that in time I can look back at them for what ever reason. For me this blog is a life line now.

And here are our new friends Debbie and Mark.

This was taken for a new friend we met called Mark!

Now we've done the leaving bit...let's get down and boogie!!

a very relaxing and enjoyable leaving do for Ulrika.

Does she really mean it?! - Does he care?

Leon, trying to put his willy on the table. How can I take my boss seriously now!

the working women - with spoon support!

Leon, my boss with his state of the art figure!

Ulri and I, ready to face our bosses at the leaving dinner they are holding for her.

Just want to make myself a quick reminder. On the way home from work I was cycling along the seafront and I recognised a male body that I hadn't seen in17 years. It was Fash, also know as Flash in his hey day, as he is a black belt karate expert. Fashid is a very very shy Iranian guy who I met and liked when I was just 14. He was 21 but his naivity made the age gap small.
Any way, I wondered if I should stop or carry on. The old me would have carried on but instead I breaked and waited for him to come near enough to say hello. When I did, he looked at me strangely. So I took off my helmet and sunnies and then he remembered! We talked for awhile. It was good to catch up. He is such a sweet guy, but now at 40 and still living with his parents I feel that he will never meet a girl....and he would be a wonderful person to be with. Very caring and sensitive. I tried to tell him this. He needs someone to build up his confidence, but I fear it won't happen. I have never met someone so, so shy. It's a shame really. He deserves to be happy.

Anyway, I am glad I stopped and said hi. I think I made his day and for some reason it made mine....which is why I wanted to record it before I forgot.

Been a bit slack - but a bit busy too!

Ok, it's Wednesday morning and this has got to be the longest I have been away from writing my blog...but I have been busy working and socialising! Went out last night with my good friend Rose. We don't see each other often but when we get together over a bottle of wine we end up having very intense conversations, usually about relationships and how complex they truely are.

I never met up with her til 9pm as was working til then doing an event for the SE Chamber of Commerce AGM Meeting where they had food and drinks in our gallery. I had a really good laugh, not with the members but with Chris the aussie caterer and Sally, my boss. We were full of sexual innuendos but it kept us going since we had to wash over 100 wine and champagne glasses. The food was fab and so was the champas we sneaked down our throats.

Chris told me some interesting stories about restaurants. Never, ever, ever complain about your food!! It has been known for chefs to use bodily fluids before they return your food or throw it on the floor before placing it beautifully back on your plate. In fact he witnessed a chef use his spunk to make a dressing and Chris's words to me were 'You will never look at a Ceasar salad in the same light again!' Gross! Lol.

Tonight, straight from work I am meeting up with Maggie again for drinks and food. It feels good to be doing things for me and to be enjoying them on my own too. Mark has been told to back off and give me space and let me do my own thing. I have been told not to feel guilty about doing my own thing although this is hard as I know this is killing Mark at the same time. Ulri also told us not to talk about it for a few days, but on Monday evening we found ourselves deep in conversation. We were very honest, or should I say I was. For the first time, Mark heard what I had been feeling for a while now and that that was that I didn't want to be with him right now. This doesn't mean I am going to leave him, it is just how I feel at the moment. I have also told him that the therapy will either make or break us. We both need to be slightly prepared for the unknown. He was glad I had been honest with him and it felt good to tell him. The only way we are going to work is if he lets me have independance from him and that means independant friends too. All the years I have been with Mark, I have ALWAYS included him in my friends and I think that has been a mistake. He needs his own friends and so do I. So I am going to hopefully go and spend a night in London with my friend Bianca, alone. Mark has always come too before. I am going to visit Ulrika in Sweden one weekend too. Mark has got to learn to let go a little and have his own space rather that being absorbed by me and my space.

Take care y'all

Ok, I missed out Sarah before as part of 'The Girls!

I digress back to Saturday night since Ulrika gave me more photos from her camara.

Sambuka - the culprit!

Dirty Lee, me and Craig

the weather fits my mood today

Didn't get much sleep last night, didn't go to bed til 2.30am and as always was awake at 6am. I don't need an alarm clock! So I took myself off down stairs for a coffee and decided I just needed to get out and clear my head. Alot of drinking was done the night before, mainly Sambuka, and it brought out all sorts of crazy emotions with it. So this morning I just wanted to be alone and took myself off down to the beach.

morning after. 8am on the beach alone

As one can see, a hangover is not a pretty sight especially when you have been crying the night before and your eyes are like piss pools in the snow!!